A while back, I began to write on my thoughts on love.
While breaking the white plane that holds my words... I discovered something that unsettled me. I discovered that I didn't know how I felt about love. How I felt about myself and how I love.
It was as if what love really meant to me was cut into jigsaw shapes and scattered across my mind for me to attempt to decypher. It was agonizing really, for me to see the truth. The truth was that I didn't know what love meant to me.
I did understand, however, that while I worked towards the inevitable conclusion, I would open doors that I had unwittingly kept or left shut. So after dealing with a bit of regret for my lost years, I moved on to develop what love means to me.
I've loved greatly, but selfishly. I don't think that I'm the only one. I've loved others to the end of my ability. That is one thing that despite my best efforts, I did right.
The problem, the real source of malcontent in my life - in my relationships - was that I loved to be loved more than I loved to give love. In that way I was selfish and destructive.
After taking some time and reflecting upon my past and coming to terms with the mistakes I've made, I'm graced with the opportunity to heal; forgiveness for my past mistakes.
Futhermore, I wasn't all bad. When I was lost and hopeless and I loved someone who wouldn't have ever left my side, I spent some of my last money to help her move to a place that she could fulfill her dreams. It was a single selfless act amid a sea of self-loathing. I knew it was her dream and I could see what obstructed her path to her goals. I recognized myself to be the problem, and I stood aside.
In that way, I was brave. In some small ways, I always have been. But now, because of time, because of the beauty of grace, I have the opportunity to move forward.
It feels really good to feel that I know what love and relationships mean to me. It feels good to have processed the meaning of the broken pieces. What I have may not be a seamless image with unbroken purity, but surely is a mosaic with facets that would otherwise be unattainable.
While breaking the white plane that holds my words... I discovered something that unsettled me. I discovered that I didn't know how I felt about love. How I felt about myself and how I love.
It was as if what love really meant to me was cut into jigsaw shapes and scattered across my mind for me to attempt to decypher. It was agonizing really, for me to see the truth. The truth was that I didn't know what love meant to me.
I did understand, however, that while I worked towards the inevitable conclusion, I would open doors that I had unwittingly kept or left shut. So after dealing with a bit of regret for my lost years, I moved on to develop what love means to me.
I've loved greatly, but selfishly. I don't think that I'm the only one. I've loved others to the end of my ability. That is one thing that despite my best efforts, I did right.
The problem, the real source of malcontent in my life - in my relationships - was that I loved to be loved more than I loved to give love. In that way I was selfish and destructive.
After taking some time and reflecting upon my past and coming to terms with the mistakes I've made, I'm graced with the opportunity to heal; forgiveness for my past mistakes.
Futhermore, I wasn't all bad. When I was lost and hopeless and I loved someone who wouldn't have ever left my side, I spent some of my last money to help her move to a place that she could fulfill her dreams. It was a single selfless act amid a sea of self-loathing. I knew it was her dream and I could see what obstructed her path to her goals. I recognized myself to be the problem, and I stood aside.
In that way, I was brave. In some small ways, I always have been. But now, because of time, because of the beauty of grace, I have the opportunity to move forward.
It feels really good to feel that I know what love and relationships mean to me. It feels good to have processed the meaning of the broken pieces. What I have may not be a seamless image with unbroken purity, but surely is a mosaic with facets that would otherwise be unattainable.
posted by Eean at 3:25 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home