The time given

Today... or tomorrow... or when?

The dream built against my life. Like weight given to unforgeivable happenstancs, I am crushed.

For I, unlike you, have not sustained the continuance of expectation. I have been crushed. For I have not agreed to be that which has been spoken; I am dead.

Not like you, I must be nothing. Without the perscribed form, I fall from grace of decided position into the recesses of not-alike.

I am not to be given the circumstances of normality. I am the challenged. I am the disadvantaged.

Blame, must be given, blame to my parents? Blame to myself. I am nothing.

For circumstance abounds, however situation is unforgivable. So like I should be, I am judged by my years and not my means and judged against my accomplishments as a failure.

And so another receeds, unforgiven, unforgivable. I am the nothing. I am not worth mentioning. I'll be forgotten by history as one of the tens, thousands, millions, billions that were not great. For this, I am to blame.

Don't cry for me, for those few who could will have, and thought should not be given.

The past is gone, but we all will meet, for the well drawn upon is shared by all.

All is ironic, all is karmic. We try to change that which is for we seek the light of the future. That is humanity. Some will drink deeply of it, others will shun it.

Those who choose to give of their perscription of value will be quenched of thirst. Lacking sacrifice, some will find drought of the waters. Eternity grants to all, everything.

Absolute release is absolute fulfillment. Everything is nothing, nothing is everything. Om; the tao; YHVH... all and nothing... now only and forever.

Click click, what am I looking for?

Click click, it's death.

Click click, it's financial ruin.

Click click...

What's going to be behind the next link? What am I looking for?

I'm consumed. I sit and search for more information. I wander the desert of hope; nothing can quench my thirst. It's another tirade. It's another lost night.

I was sleepy, see. That's how it began. Tired again, wanting sleep. Then I took the plunge. Typing out news.google.com is almost like breathing. The letters appear without thought. Intention is almost non-existent; it's like breath pouring into empty space, the words are there.

Command. Enter. Whatever. It's that fucking return button. Now I'm done for. I've been stupid enough to look at the world again. What am I in for now?

I can look into dynamic, complex situations and see through the various layers of intent and intrigue as if simple cellophane. Where others see images, I see the network of desires like lenses and prisms filtering the light of truth.

Everyone understands things... I maybe just look a little harder. I just see a little farther. It's like looking at a book and feeling it's end. Seeing through the deception... Seeing the broken pieces of our desperately wounded reality.

What am I looking for? God, I don't even fucking know. It's not as if there is going to be a point where I am satisfied with my knowledge of the outcome.

It's a world built on eye for an eye... It's a world of tribes, of petty alliance. A world of supporting the weak for the sake of the individual's weakness. I'm speaking of nations. I'm speaking of turning the other way for war atrocities because sometimes it's easier just to kill a few hundred people than to lose power.

It's ok, everybody does it. Come on now... Who's next? The Jews got it during the holocaust, that means it's ok for them to kill 22 Palestinians because one soldier was kidnapped, right? Maybe right. Maybe.

Maybe it's ok that despite what anyone might say, they really believe that it's ok for an Iraqi to die. Maybe it's ok that in the Sudan children are being murdered, starved... Maybe because we don't have enough time on our news break to the new model of SUV.

Maybe that's fine.

What the fuck am I looking for?

Shit is fucked up. What the fuck am I looking for??? Someone like me just died, horribly. Again. Again.

I am tired of being afraid of being pegged as too political. I'm not going to be afraid to say something out loud. Are you afraid of saying it?

This world is fucked up and we are fucked up for not making the change now.

I know what I'm looking for.

I'm looking for change.